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Thank you, folks. I love you. I love MAGA. Your patriotism is off the charts. I understand you’ve been sitting out here in the hot sun for seven hours, which is unfortunate. It shouldn’t be so hot in Wisconsin in late June. This has been happening to me. In Arizona, do you believe it? 100 degrees in Arizona last week. Who could ever predict that? In North Carolina, we had to cancel a rally. More than 50 billion people were waiting to get inside — they say maybe it was more, most of them African Americans, by the way, but all of a sudden “thunderstorms.” Funny how there were no thunderstorms on Sleepy Crooked Demented Duly Elected Joe Biden or Ugly Skanky Nikki Haley.
They called it “an act of God.” God. Unbelievable. Suddenly a never-Trumper. I call him a SBINO, Supreme Being in Name Only. They say he has a “plan.” We’re looking into that. We’re looking into that strongly. Did you know that the Muslims have a God, too? Did you know that? They call him “Allah.” Call themselves a peaceful religion, but refuse to speak English.
Your favorite president, believe it or not, used to be a huge fan of God. I have all his books, and I looked forward to getting them on tape, because, frankly, a little slow. Not a good read. I prefer OnlyFans and Hannity. Not as woke. It’s very funny, though. People say I look like him, although my doctor Michael Jackson — great guy, by the way, MAGA and dependable for a quick boost if I need one — says my physique is better than God’s. Can you believe it? Better than God’s. I’m not surprised. Also, very pale, frankly. He could use some bronzer.
His ratings are way down, by the way. Used to be highly respected, but now a laughing stock around the world. Look at inflation. Way up. Never been higher in history. With his Fake Commandments. “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” What is that? It’s in the name “adult.” Consenting adults, OK? Not that I ever. By the way, backstage I met a very beautiful young lady. I believe she was a Dairy Princess. Something about cows. You know in Wisconsin they have cows, right? Out in the open. Not here in Milwaukee, which as you know is a hellhole, filled with crime and bratwurst such as nobody has ever seen. They don’t have the cows here. They say the cow gas — can I say it here? Their farts, OK? Cow farts cause global warming. It’s more of the big Stalinst hoax. I call it Crime-It Change. I made that up. People are saying, “Mr. President, you should trademark that.” Crime-It Change. I said that to the young lady, who I understand is a 4F champion. She also raises chickens. Evidently that’s something they do here. They raise chp … chippa … cheeker … chickens. I myself do not like chippa. Not a fan. I often wonder, if I’m in a limo with a flock of chickens, and the limo, me forbid, rolls over and the gas — not the farts, but the gasoline — starts pouring out and we are exposed to electricity from the sun … did you know the sun radiates energy? That’s what they tell me. That’s where they get the electricity from for air conditioning and blow dryers and toilets, which by the way Biden wants to take away from you. They want to take away your toilets.
Do you believe that? No toilets. They’re gonna take away your entire bathrooms, and your cows and your rocket-propelled grenades and your accelerated depreciation. But what I think about, in my limo wreck, where there are no fire hydrants because Biden has made them illegal, if the sun electricity sets the gas on fire, do I put out the flames with the chickens? In the movies they use a blanket, but all I have is Chippewa, all right? What if they peck my eyes out. It’s something I often think about, which I told the chicken girl, who by the way is 10 years old. She looked at me with such respect. In three years maybe she and I would be having a very different kind of conversation.