A Bridge Too Close
The latest White House mafia vengeance plot sounds eerily familiar.
NEWS HEADLINE:
Trump threatens to block opening of US-Canada bridge
– BBC, February 10, 2026
FADE FROM BLACK: Int. of Don Trumpeone in the Oval Office, daytime
(Matthew Moroun, owner of the Ambassador Bridge linking Michigan and Ontario, Canada, seated in front of the Don’s desk, facing the camera.)
MOROUN: I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And the Ambassador Bridge is like my child. Myself and my parents, we raised her in the American fashion. We cared for her, nourished her and she filled us with pride. Foreigners — the Canadians — they would use her, drive over her roughshod and leave a few dollars behind, as if to mock her virtue.
No, Don Trumpeone, I didn’t protest. This is the American way, they say to me. “Just business.” Then eight years ago, these animale — the Canadians — they started building a new bridge. Bigger. Wider. Faster. No dumping of the traffic into tiny neighborhood streets. And to make the insult greater, they built it with Canadian materials — not American steel but I think beaver pelts and syrup.
When I heard this news I wept. Why did I weep? The Ambassador is the light of my life. Her toll revenue is magnificent. Now it will never be magnificent again.
(Moroun breaks down. The Don gestures for Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick to give Moroun a glass of grapa.)
Sorry ... (He sips from the shot glass.) I went to the Michigan legislature and the courts, like a good American. I tried to change the law. I paid for ads — many, many ads — on Fox & Friends. But I could not stop the foreigners. And this bridge, now it is built, and my beautiful child will be neglected and starved. And the name … it will not be the Trumpeone Bridge, as it should be. It will be named for one of the animale. A hockey player! This Gordie Howe, may he rest in misery. Finally, I said to my wife, “The bastardi! For justice, we must go to Don Trumpeone.”
TRUMPEONE: (sitting behind The Resolute Desk) Why did you go to the legislature? Why didn’t you come to me first?
MONSOUR: What do you want of me? Tell me anything. But do what I beg you to do.
TRUMPEONE: What is that?
(Moroun gets up to whisper his request into Don Trumpeone’s ear, wincing as if he were smelling a foul odor.)
TRUMPEONE: That I cannot do.
MONSOUR: I’ll give you anything you ask.
TRUMPEONE: I’ve been president for many years. I won in three landslides. And I have many fine products from phones to cryptocurrency and many costly renovation projects. Why have you never come to me crying, “I’ll give you anything?” Let’s be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. And you never wrote me a check, or made a gift of even one 747.
MONSOUR: I didn’t want to get into trouble.
TRUMPEONE: I understand. You had a good trade, made a good living. Your billion dollars bought you friends. and you didn’t need a friend of me. But now you come to me and you say, “Don Trumpeone, give me justice.” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me Sir. Instead, you come into my house in the middle of our very strong wars against Narcoterrorism and the 1st Amendment and you ask me to use my military to blow up a bridge, for money.
MONSOUR: I ask you for justice.
TRUMPEONE: That is not justice; your bridge is still standing.
MONSOUR: The animale should suffer then, as I suffer. How much shall I pay you?
TRUMPEONE: (stands, turning his back toward Monsour) What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then these scum that ruined your business would be suffering this very day, most likely by a drone strike, especially if we can take out a couple of speedboaters on the Detroit River while we’re at it. And that by chance if an honest man such as yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.
MONSOUR: Be my friend … Sir. (He bows and kisses the Don’s stubby hand.)
TRUMPEONE: Good. Some day — and that day may never come, but almost certainly will, maybe many days, frankly — I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. It will probably be a very large, very big, very big sum of money to donate to my presidential library, which by the way will have no books, because nobody reads books anymore. That’s what people are telling me: no books. But you will find a collection of golf scorecards the likes of which no one has ever seen.
MONSOUR: (as he leaves the room) Grazie, sir.
TRUMPEONE: (to Lutnick) I will not allow this bridge to open until the United States is fully compensated for everything we have given them, and also, importantly, Canada treats the United States with the Fairness and Respect that we deserve.
If they don’t cave, we put a 200% tariff on hockey. If that doesn’t work, call Hegseth. Tell him to mobilize. They’re going to use the bridge to send us murderers and rapists and ginger ale, the worst of the worst.
Also, check out if that Prime Minister …
LUTNICK: Mark Carney.
TRUMPEONE: Yeah, Carvey. Find out if he owns a horse.