All Hail the Land of Kirk!!
Our destiny beckons. Also some great deals.
Think hard about what this could mean:
I just bought a brand new 2025 five-passenger electric SUV with all-wheel drive, leather seats, moon roof, head-up display and 185 hp in sport mode for $19,000. Best deal out there. It’s a Kirkland, which is a highly trusted brand. The only catch was the dealership is Costco, so I had to get a pack of 6. I have never seen so much shrink wrap in my life.
Parking is a bit of an issue, as well. The garage is out of the question because it is where I keep my Professional Series 10-cubic-foot chest freezers ($2,499 for the 6-pack) to store my 1,655 pounds of chicken breasts, smoked salmon and La Terra Fina Spinach Artichoke & Parmesan Dip & Spread.
You may say, “My, that’s a lot of frozen food!” To which I retort, “Yes, at half the price you pay at your local Safeway or Piggly Wiggly.” That’s why warehouse shopping is as American as pumpkin pie, 5.3 million of which Costco sells every year. I’ve got a seventh freezer just for them. It’s right next to my 55-gallon drum of Tylenol. Sadly, even at such attractive prices, I had to draw the line at the 2.2 pound tin of caviar. Come on, no family needs that much roe. So I used that $1,999 for 12 cremation urns, 6 ghillie camouflage suits for all my 300-meter-range sniper needs and 250 food-court hotdogs with the works.
Why do I bring this subject up?
Ah, because the manifold glories of Costco could be the salvation of America.
There are 123 million members of this shopping club. One hundred twenty three million. By contrast, there are 37 million registered Democrats and 44 million Republicans. At a historical moment when the Republicans are fascistic and corrupt, and the Democrats feckless sloganeers who have undermined their moral authority by being nearly as bought-and-paid-for as the GOP and too self-righteous socially just by half, imagine a third party that would have critical mass on Day 1.
Yes, the Kirkland Party, a new political force here in the Land of Kirk.
Healthcare for all, at a low, low price. Peace and prosperity, to the tune of $50 billion a year, with no risk of war with Sam’s Club. Then there’s respect for the rule of law, as you’d know if you’ve ever tried to enter a Costco without your membership card, or exit it without a receipt. Most of all, imagine a community of Americans where “family values” wasn’t an empty buzzword mouthed by hypocrites but the driving ethos of the party. What else would you call 72 frozen waffles for $12.71?
So much more to be restored, including recognition and respect for global neighbors, as Costco does business in 14 countries (so far). And diversity! Dear me. The swarm at Costco checkout resembles the security lines at Heathrow or the Small World queue at Disney. So many cultures, ethnicities, languages, costumes, ramens and curries. Furthermore, not one of those customers is ever picked up without due process and sent in handcuffs to a Dollar City store in El Salvador. We need radical change. So enough with the Congressional klansmen and their impotent opposition.
You wonder, “Can the operation of superstores translate to the massive infrastructure of a federal government?” For which again I have a sharp reply: If you need a fleet of stealth bombers, who do you trust to squeeze the best price out of suppliers? Northrop, or someone who can sell Charmin for a dollar a roll?
There are so many overlaps. Consider public health and fitness. And I don't mean the Nordic Track treadmill you can purchase just around the corner from Cheetos by the ton. I mean that Costco shopping is itself a workout. When a store layout is aisle after aisle on seven acres, you get your steps in.
Hail Kirk. You know, in a good way.
After all, these 123 million highly motivated Costco members are not led by some perverse sociopath who thinks he is all powerful and all knowing. The CEO is a guy named Ron Vachris, who I suppose could be a criminal lunatic, but, if so, he keeps it to himself. As he would say if I took the trouble to find him, “We are not about controlling more than 100 million loyal members. We are laser focused on keeping the price of a 50-pound bag of dried lentils affordable for all, even if it means never having enough parking.”
That, my friends, is how to make America great again. That and maybe MAGA uninocculating themselves into a measles epidemic. So let us not miss this opportunity to turn our ship of state around. Mobilize the Land of Kirk!
And while you’re at it, grab me an above-ground swimming pool. Then please stop at the Costco fuel pumps and grab me 96 gallons of regular.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Bob confesses that the SUV 6-pack and the Tylenol drum are slight exaggerations. Everything else is real as described. You can also pick up a $40,000 diamond ring, an 8-foot-tall teddy bear and a pack of home Covid tests. Furthermore, the $1.50 food-court hot dog is very, very large.]
You're killing me!
This is all very true. No /s needed.