All That Glitters …
And now, at last, the Golden Arches.
110 N. Carpenter St.
Chicago, IL 60607
United States of America
M E M O R A N D U M
June 19, 2026
To: All U.S. owner/operators and franchisees
From: Management committee
Partners, colleagues, friends and fellow Patriots:
It is with some embarrassment, but also a great sense of excitement, that we reach out to you today. The embarrassment is that over an entire decade, we have squandered an opportunity for all of us to profit from an asset hidden in plain view. We speak, of course, of the sitting Boss of the World, his Worship Donald J. Trump. Indeed, it is not enough to say missed opportunity, for the correct word is opportunities.
First of all, it is well known that the Fuhrer’s personal diet consists almost entirely of our most iconic menu items: the Quarter Pounder deluxe burger sandwich (only 520 calories, 1,142 milligrams of salt, 42 grams of carbohydrates and 26 grams of fat!), hot apple-pie-like pastry and our piping hot or clammy, depending, golden large fries. The great and powerful one does not maintain his svelte, athletic figure and world-class alertness for no reason!
It is less well known that Your Favorite President has not once but twice been a McDonald’s employee! Yes, in 2002 he filmed a TV commercial for us promoting the Big ’n’ Tasty sandwich (now, oddly, as defunct as the Trump Shuttle, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump Magazine, Trump Ice, Trump Network, Trump University, the Trump Casinos (8), et al.). And in 2024, in the midst of his presidential campaign, we were honored to have him work the fries station at our store in Feasterville, Pennsylvania. We cannot argue with his campaign’s social-media claim that he was The Greatest Employee in McDonald’s history — because his shift was only about 5 minutes and we do not wish to be nationalized like Nvidia, U.S. Steel and Greenland.
We can all agree, however, that giving a free political-publicity platform to a convicted felon, war criminal and sociopath is something of which all of us on Team McDonald’s can be proud. Our only error was not doing more to bask in the golden glow of the most Famous Boy-Man in the World. Until now!
That surprise coming up … but first an abashed mention of the second opportunity we have failed to exploit — one might say, “unpardonably” — for so long. It stings to even say it aloud. But, gee whiz, what is our worldwide symbol? What is the second-most recognized corporate graphic ID on the globe? Sigh, THE GOLDEN ARCHES! And who is the most famously gilded person on earth, a man who displays his surpassing taste and sophistication with golden consumer products, golden coinage, golden statues of himself, golden visas, golden skyscrapers, golden national monuments and, very possibly, golden showers? We refer, obviously, to his Royal Highness, the Cognition King, the Louis XIV of Versailles-a-Lago, who sometimes cannot stay awake or construct an intelligible sentence, but never forgets to goldplate or gold paint everything in his line of sight, such as economic data, poll numbers and humiliating defeat in war and courts of law.
We must confess our irritation a couple of decades back when a competing quick-service chain W****’s called on its founder, the admittedly square, fatty and old fashioned Dave Thomas, to be the spokesman for its square, fatty “Old Fashioned” signature burger. How could we have been so blind to the possibilities for our vastly more famous employee/customer to represent all that we find holy?
And so now, at last, our big announcement. On July 4, 2026, the 250th birthday of our nation, our new menu item, the most unique and valuable in our history. We, the management team, see no need to say another word. Seeing is believing.
$47,250. Nice.