Dear Your Honor:
How are you? I am fine. Hoping you’re having a good run-up to summer vacation. Will you be traveling? Wear sunscreen!
You probably don’t know me. Pretty sure we’ve never met, but I’m the guy who followed the Trump trial. You did a very nice job. I don’t know how you find the stamina to wade through all that tedious testimony. So much judging. In my opinion, and pardon my French, you judged your a** off! I don’t know why they didn’t let you do the verdict, too.
The whole thing seemed like a waste of your time and handsome salary. Surely the menial sitting-and-listening work could have been outsourced or achieved through AI. I hope the Association of Soros-Backed Prosecutors is looking into it. But if it’s part of a rigged, two-tiered system of justice, as the MAGA talking point goes, I say shed no tiers! Anyway, at least you get to do the sentencing.
Actually, that’s why I am writing to you out of the blue. I have some thoughts I’d like to share.
Are you aware that there has been some speculation in the media about what Trump’s penalty will be? Yes. Quite a bit. Evidently, I wasn’t the only one diverting my attention from the Kansas City Chiefs’ place-kicking social critic and J-Lo’s canceled tour.
About 99.999% of the news articles address the question of — in the event the former president is incarcerated — will Bob Garfield have multiple orgasms Trump have Secret Service protection? The answer, obviously, is yes yes.
But the overwhelming consensus among the legal experts quoted is that Trump will be let off with probation. “Typically this is not the kind of case where you would expect a first-time white-collar offender to receive a sentence of incarceration” — that’s what New York defense attorney Andrew Weinstein told Reuters. And it was what every other lawyer on earth said, too.
Because, in the history of former U.S. presidents convicted of 34 felonies by a jury after about 5 minutes of deliberation, typically none has been imprisoned.
So I get that. Why disrespect precedent, right? That’s the Supreme Court’s job.
Now, I don’t want to stray out of my lane; it’s certainly not me that’s the corrupted, maniacal Fascist Communist lackey for Joe Biden and Jimmy Kimmel. But I was wondering about how the term “first-time offender” took hold. Again, I’m just a civilian. I only ever sat on the bench in Little League. But wasn’t Trump University found liable in civil court for fraud? Wasn’t the Trump Foundation fined and disbanded for pocketing charitable donations earmarked for children with cancer? Wasn’t the Trump Organization just found guilty of tax fraud? Didn’t the convict himself publicly and repeatedly boast about the very frauds perpetrated by him or in his name?
Probably I’m just revealing my ignorance, so apologies if I have. And without any knowledge of the law, I can only assume that his daily contempt of court and your honor personally — before, during and after the trial — can play no role in your decision. (Me, I’m not so thick-skinned. Someone starts badmouthing my daughter and then stands before me seeking leniency, my third instinct would be Rikers. My second instinct would be Guantanamo.)
My first instinct would be five years of community service — 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. — as a custodian at a shelter for sexually abused women. In Harlem. I think the work would suit him. Perhaps he can toss them rolls of paper towels.
Thanks for hearing me out, Judge Merchan. I hope we can meet in person someday. I will not side-eye you. Pinky swear.