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Donald Trump Mails a Letter
The whole system is rigged.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THESE PEOPLE? Our (no longer) Great Country is being ruined by highly overrated WOKE SO-CALLED EXPERTS who are not very smart people. They are very stupid people. First they took away our beautiful showers, which now just trickle and you can’t get the soap off of you and you have to stand in there in a shower cap for seven hours. And what’s with the toilets? You can’t believe it. Remember when you flushed and WHOOSH the (youknowwhat I’m saying, right?) just disappeared. And now you have to flush — what — 16, 17 times and tear the Classified Documents in tiny little pieces or they just float right back up. WEAK! And now THE JACKBOOTED THUGS ARE COMING FOR OUR GAS STOVES. Believe me if they can take your gas stove, the Racist Fascist Soros-backed Marxists can take your Freedom, your children, your Poorly Secured Illegal Trove of Nuclear Secrets. SO UNFAIR. And flypaper. In Iowa the other day they tell me the out-of-control socialists have also taken away flypaper. Used to be, if you had flies, you put up flypaper. And now they tell me, “Sir, flies are a protected species, like eagles and African-Americans. You’re not allowed to kill them anymore.” This is what they tell me. Unbelievable. What they have done to our Country is a disgrace.
You probably think that the wealthiest man the world has ever known doesn’t have to worry about some things that my wonderful, beautiful, patriotic HUGE CROWDS face every day … Look at these wonderful people in their gorgeous MAGA CAPS. I hope they’re authorized merch. I really hope they are, because that revenue goes straight to yours truly, because I have lawyers to pay to fight the WITCH HUNT from the Communists and RINOs and Crooked Joe Biden and Barack Hussein Obama and the UNHINGED SPECIAL-NEEDS prosecutor who is so corrupt and people are saying looks Chinese and — can you believe this? — he has a 20 handicap from the white Tees. I play from the Golds, by the way. I am very long off the tee, and have a phenomenal FIZZIQUE. But you wonderful people love your President who just happens to be the only one who can protect you from the Haters who want to take away your stoves and Beautiful, Beautiful Guns. Frankly, I gotta hand it to the Good Lord, I really do. He has always been very important to me, maybe more than my hairdresser. Many many strong thanks to him, and by the way, I love his major Best Seller called the “Bible,” which I STUDY EVERY DAY INCLUDING MY FAVORITE SCRIPTURE FROM THE BOOK OF ACCELERATED DEPRECIATION.
So the other day, as you probably know, I happened to win the Senior Club Championship at the BEDMINSTER TRUMP NATIONAL GOLF CLUB with a 53-under-par round of 19, just edging my dear friend Kim Jong Un by one stroke. My score had to be registered with the US Golfers Association. Ordinarily, one of my Employees would have sent my scorecard to USGA, but, unfortunately, they’re all busy in court testifying against me, while Hillary gets off SCOTT FREE for her treasonous email server CRIMES and pants suits. So I had to find a stamp.
Can you believe this? Your Favorite President rummaging through all the desks looking for little perforated sheets of pictures printed with “12 cents,” but couldn’t find any. All I could find is Easter Seals or something with the words “FOREVER USA” on them, which I assume is some sort of knockoff of MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Totally lame and I’ll be strongly filing suit very soon. Not even a good slogan. What does FOREVER USA even mean? But then my Secret Service man, Mikey, tells me those ARE stamps. Can you believe it? A stamp that’s worth “forever.” What’s next, a $100 dollar bill worth WHATEVER????? THE WHOLE SYSTEM IS RIGGED, BELIEVE ME! This is what the RADICAL LIBERAL CROOKS DO TO YOU. Like gag orders taking away my 1st Amendment Right to inspire very good people on both sides to murder the prosecutors.
But I had to get my scorecard in the mail, and licked the back of the stamp and it just slid along the corner of the envelope. GIMME A BREAK. WHAT ELSE WILL THEY TAKE FROM US? SO UNFAIR AND UNCONSTITUTIONAL. After my inauguration in January 2025, the first thing I will do — after declaring melanin a CAPITAL OFFENSE and invading California — is abolish the US Postal Service, which, if you notice, is filled with Chinese No Tickee No Washee employees taking jobs from real AMERICANS. I will replace the Post Office with private industry: TRUMP NATIONAL EXPRESS.
Frankly, it isn’t even launched and already we appraise it at $98 trillion. By the way, since I said that last sentence it’s now worth $752 quadrillion. The Delivery Trucks will have my mug shot on the side and classy gold-plated bumpers.
Everybody is saying it’s fantastic. It will express like nobody has ever seen.
The stamps will stick to envelopes with ONE LICK. And, for filing appeals, I will keep plenty in my cell.