For Your Eyes Only
How to defend the homeland.
Subject: Nuclear Codes
SecDef@pentagon.gov
To: GeneralAJCotton@USSTRATCOM.pentagon.gov
Cc: CreepyVeepy1@signal.org; SupremeLeaderAliKhamenei@hotmail.com; Perez@PerezHilton.com; EdSnowden@safehouse.com.ru; A.Habba@deptofjustice.gov; E.Musk@AtomwaffenDivision.net
Commander, this note is to inform you of a POTUS request for changes to the nuclear codes for launches of first-strike or retaliatory attacks on strategic targets in China, Iran, Denmark, California and other adversaries.
As we discussed at the bar during my DoD welcome mixer, the President is concerned about the complexity of the current cipher.
In his words, “Nobody can remember these codes. People are saying they’re too complicated. We should look at this strongly. You know, I think about this a lot. What if I were in the shower and we needed to launch ICBMs at North Korea or the highly overrated Puerto Rico and the shower was taking too long because the water pressure is so low? Everyone says to me, ‘Mr. President, what’s with the water pressure? First they say you can’t tell racist jokes at work and now you can’t rinse the shampoo off your shoulders fast enough to vaporize Brussels.’ So I always say — I came up with this term, by the way, though they never give me credit — I like to say this is such a SNAFU. Which means SITUATION NORMAL ALL … I probably shouldn’t use the word. I’ll say all FOULED UP, which also no one thought to do until I came up with it. This is what they have done to our once-great country, which is now failing so badly even Mexico feels sorry for us. Nobody has ever seen a situation like this and, frankly, it needs to be fixed. Can you imagine your favorite president dripping wet in the Situation Room and the officers are standing there with the so-called ‘football’ with the launch codes, which are completely random ‘logarithms’ they call them. Logarithms. I call them clogarithms. And so old. I’m told they are from the highly respected Herbert Hoover administration. Nobody knows about him, but he was a Great President who gave us beautiful, beautiful tariffs that brought an end to the Great Depression. That’s how old the codes are. The year 1863, they tell me. Which was a very great year for our country. Don’t let fake history fool you. It was a great and frankly very successful year. But nuclear warfare has come a long way since then and we need to update the launch codes, but in a very common sense way. And I say why not something unique but easier to remember like PASSWORD or Trump47!!! Or 4201889, which is an important birthday I use for my safe and bank account PIN?”
Those, General Cotton are the words of POTUS, who expects his wishes to be acted upon ASAP. Having spoken to Alina (who knows him intimately and is cc’d here) for suggestions about an appropriate and secure rubric, we thought perhaps the name of his favorite child. Unfortunately, the President demurred, saying that name will soon be public because she’s mentioned in the Jeffrey Epstein files.
In any event, I needn’t tell you, General, or any other recipient of this message that this is a matter of the highest National Security significance and secrecy is therefore vital. This communication must not leave the Strategic Defense chain of command. The Radical Left thugs of the media are just itching to destroy our nation with enemy invasions of gardeners and fruit pickers, DEI, separation of powers, the Bill of Rights, science, history and other Marxist doctrine. So let us not give them the ammunition. THIS IS FOR YOUR EYES ONLY. Leakers of the message will be flown to a golf course dark site in Scotland and executed without a trial.
Insta is probably ok, though.
Semper Fox!
Pete
I agree: Brilliant!
Brilliant!