Fun Recipe for Unfun Times
Put this absolutely killer meat dish on the menu!
I know, I know. It’s the dog days. You probably are craving a nice cool bowl of gazpacho or a slice of watermelon. Or, sizzling right off the grill, a juicy Trump steak (only available in Florida and 2007). But may I be so bold as to recommend something scrumptious and unexpected?
Yes! I am referring to Erin’s Savory Summertime Beef Wellington! Great for fun time, party time, gnawing despair time, anytime!
You start with a big wad of tenderloin. I would say about yay big. Sprinkle that tempting hunk of deceased steer with kosher salt or plain old treif salt. (That’s the Jews for you; they even want to control your seasonings.) Brush beef with olive oil and sear it for 2-3 minutes in a stovetop pan to seal in the juices. Then grab yourself some store-bought puff pastry and let the sheets thaw on your countertop. When they are soft to the touch, patchwork-quilt them into one large sheet and lay the beef atop it. In a moment, you will be placing that tenderloin onto the pastry dough and rolling it like a beach towel into the biggest motherfucking cocktail weiner you’ve ever seen.
But first, the secret of this special recipe: fresh, handpicked mushrooms. Never mind that flavorless store-bought fungus; it’s like eating tofu — which is great for vegans, but not for real people with taste buds. So get your ass outside and pick yourself some mushrooms. For this recipe you need Amanita phalloides, a basidiomycete fungus resembling several edible species such as Caesar's mushroom, paddy straw mushrooms and puffballs. The caps are tinted in shades of green, bronze or even white.
NOTE: It is very, very important not to misidentify what you’re harvesting, because Caesar’s, puffers and paddy straws are not deadly neurotoxins. If you want a memorable meal and worldwide notoriety, like Erin Patterson, you’ll need Amanita phalloides, also known as Death Caps. Culinary triumph, organ failure.
Back in your kitchen, wash them thoroughly and chop them finely. Then sprinkle them onto the meat and roll up the beach towel. Place in the oven at 400° F and bake for 30 minutes or until lethal.
It’ll be a dinner that nobody will ever forget. Including the next of kin and the jury, which just sent Australia’s Ms. Patterson to the big house for life after finding her guilty of murdering three in-laws with her mouthwatering, liver-destroying entree. She handled her chef duties with elan, but made the unfortunate alibi error of searching the internet for info on poisonous mushrooms. So if you use this recipe, wear a hazmat suit and clear your search history.
Why do I tell you this? Ah, because it’s not just a true-crime episode and a dining suggestion, but a metaphor for the world we are living in — a world in which the people we are trusting to serve and nourish us are actually poisoning everything we hold dear: the water and air, democracy, freedom, justice, the rule of law, human rights, truth, civility, and, in the de-”woke” schools, our children’s minds. All over the world, demagogues and tyrants are dishing out Death Caps, and, just like Australia’s wall-to-wall coverage of Erin Patterson’s trial, the media are lapping the infotainment. Human perversity and human tragedy turned into the most cynical reality TV.
And we haven’t even tasted the Big, Beautiful Dessert.
You say "the biggest motherfucking cocktail weiner you've ever seen" -- I say it's the most magnificent pigs-in-a-blanket ever created ... but why quibble? You say po-tah-toe, I say po-tay-toe, and we both know I'm not going to cook this anytime soon.
It does look delicious, though.
Instead, I'll just pour another glass of Victory Gin as the modern Rome goes up in flames thanks to Caligula-on-the-Hudson, his Cabinet of Dr. Caligari Deplorables, and the muscle of his praetorian guard of MAGAT IceMen.
Sigh.