Grin and Bear It

Kristi Noem goes to Texas to capture a killer smile.

What’s wrong with this picture?

I want you, please, to look at the above photograph of the rootin’-tootin’ governor of South Dakota, Kristi Noem, and see if you notice something unusual about the state’s highest elected official.

Do you see it? Come on, look. It’s staring right at you, just to the left of the Glock semi-automatic pistol. It’s her teeth. So … so … frightfully not quite straight and white enough to suit her.

As a contender to be Republican nominee for Vice President of the United States, Noem was in no position to settle for completely natural and photogenic dentition. Something had to be done, and — by the grace of God and cosmetic dentistry — it has been. Check out the new and improved Governor Noem:

OMG! All the difference in the world! At least to Kristi herself. I know that because she has spoken very publicly on the subject:

Well for me, I realize the job that I’m in – I spent my whole life farming and ranching, riding horses, chasing cows – and then got into government, politics, where everything is speaking, and interviews and giving speeches, I want, when people look at me, to hear the words I that I say and not be distracted by something I’m wearing or how I look or even my appearance. I want them to focus on my thoughts and ideas and what we can do to really make this country better. So for me being able to have a confident smile and  have my teeth be something that’s not a distraction but actually is appealing to people will be helpful because I think that it will help to make sure that we’re focused on really the right points I want to make and make sure that confidence shines through.

That passage courtesy of an Instagram video posted by the governor and titled: “I love my new family at Smile Texas!”

It’s pretty compelling. Just listen to her confident words: “How I look or even my appearance.” Come on, just like she says, how can you not focus on that point?

Noem Mouth 2.0 definitely succeeded in shifting my own focus, because til now I'd mainly dwelled on other aspects of her political journey. I guess it’s just media bias, but I must confess dark thoughts about her mass murders.

You’ll recall that in 2020, in the depths of the Covid pandemic, the MAGA poster governor not only fought mandates for masks, social distancing and vaccines, but actually encouraged 500,000 out-of-towners to converge on South Dakota for the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. Despite the, you know, plague. That quintessential super-spreader event immediately yielded 123 hospitalizations per day and hundreds of subsequent deaths in South Dakota and surrounding states. Overall, thanks to Noem’s denialism, South Dakota had the highest state per capita Covid death rate in the country, and, at one point in 2020, 39% of the population tested positive for the virus.

And why? Because while liberal do-gooders obsess over the lives of her constituents, Kristi Noem values Freedom — especially the freedom to promote herself to rightwing zealots on a national stage no matter how many South Dakotans have to suffocate in a hospital bed all alone. Of course, Noem scoffs at her death toll and claims that, no, if you're worried about a state of calamity, focus on the Commiewealth of Massachusetts and its constant “Marxist indoctrination.”

As a hater, though, I had significant questions about both of her smiley photos. For the first one, I wondered: “Is that a 9mm in your hands or are you just glad to see me?” (Side note: the per-capita SD gun-death rate is 4.5 times greater than in Massachusetts.)

And for the second pic, I asked myself: “What in the world is behind this weird teeth fixation?”

Ah. Back to the aforementioned 4 minute 51-second infomercial for Smile Texas, a Houston cosmetic dentistry practice. No casual shout-out that. It was a studio-produced video — in (very, very) full makeup, wardrobe and lighting — featuring 1) teeth, 2) a gushing tribute to the talent, professionalism and human kindness of the Smile Texas staff, and 3) the political philosophy of Kristi Noem:

Something small as your smile really can change the world. I think people’s first impressions of you are important and I want people to know how much I enjoy seeing them and how much I love being with people and the fact that he gave me the smile to do that now I’ll be eternally grateful. It has been a gift to be here at Smile Texas. I love it. I love that my bite is better, that my teeth are a better shape, that they feel better in my mouth and that I can be confident when I smile at people and know that they can actually appreciate and see the kindness in my face and know the love that I have for them.

Perhaps you also wonder why the governor needed to travel 1,176 miles from Pierre to Houston to obtain dental treatment when Maher Dental Clinic (“Treating Patients Like Family”), Anderson Rumpka Dental (“Sedation*Same-Day*Family”) and Swenson & Cowan Dental (“Rest assured that you will feel right at home in our office”) are just around the corner.

Is it possible that it was simply a cost issue? A whole mouth full of ultra-white veneers typically comes with a $25,000-$30,000 price tag. Which is approximately $25,000-$30,000 less than, “Oh, don’t be silly, governor. All we ask from you is a highly produced promotional video mentioning our name, location and benefits a minimum of 10 times for your 250,000 followers.”

Could that have been the arrangement? That’s what the non-partisan, non-profit consumer-advocacy group Travelers United seeks to learn through litigation filed in federal court. From the lawsuit:

Kristi Noem is the governor of South Dakota for a living but seems to have taken up work as a social media influencer as of 12 March 2024. Companies, like Smile Texas, pay influencers, like Kristi Noem, to promote their product or service to her followers … Sitting politicians do not typically work as part-time social media influencers.

The plaintiffs also point out that, if there was a discount or total freebie given to the governor, or any other financial consideration, the law requires full disclosure that the post is not a spontaneous expression of delight and gratitude but paid advertising. Here I might point out that I myself am often delighted and grateful, but I’ve never required a stop at hair and makeup to say so.

Meanwhile, some Democratic legislators back in Pierre have some questions, too — such as whether state resources, like two-round trip flights to Texas, were expended on the governor’s expensive makeover. She says in the video that “my team” worked extensively with Smile Texas on scheduling, so, unless she’s talking about the SD State Coyotes, the governor has some explaining to do.

Unfortunately, Noem is extremely busy at the moment being confident in her smile and letting her constituents know she loves them. And battling woke mind control in New England. And trying to send razor wire to Texas to lacerate would-be undocumented immigrants. And generally inserting her nose in Donald Trump’s voluminous ass. So she has not had the time to comment, even if the situation might affect “how I look or even my appearance.”

Another possibility is not wishing to be caught lying through her even-more perfect teeth.

Anyway, no matter how the lawsuit and possible state audit play out, and even if Donald Trump doesn’t give her the honor of a lifetime, Noem will always have the last pearly-white laugh. And that happens to answer my second question, about her fixation on her smile.

In the video, she reveals it herself: decades of simmering resentment over the thing she was cruelly deprived of as a tween. If you want a Moby Dick reference, the new smile is her white whale. If you prefer Citizen Kane, it’s her own personal “Rosebud,” snatched away by her uncle, the evil orthodontist.

He did braces on all his nieces and nephews. Except for me. And I remember being a little girl, and having him say “Your teeth just aren’t bad enough.” But even at that time I knew my teeth weren’t perfect.

Perhaps not realizing that his niece might one day be half of America’s first fascist regime, that heartless bastard deprived her of the free, unnecessary braces that were her God-given right. It was a slight Noem has been stewing over for decades.

But vengeance is hers. Now he can bathe in public shame, even as Smile Texas bathes in glory. The glory of marginal cosmetic improvement.

As for the dentists’ motive, it could have been the positive publicity. Another possibility is that when the governor approached them, she was armed to the teeth.