Holiday Gift Idea!

For that certain someone who can't get enough abject despair.

Is that you, Mrs. Butterworth?

In this missive you will find the most provocative headlines in the history of moveable type.

Trust me on that. I am the author. The best literary comparison I can summon is Leo Tolstoy, if Tolstoy moonlighted doing horoscopes. But hold the applause. I am merely a vessel for the Almighty’s majesty.

The masterpieces are to follow, but please understand that behind the triumph lies a measure of disappointment. For this new direction is slightly more commercial than the bitter prose you’ve come to expect. To be blunt, it is meant to complement Bully Pulpit with a more sustainable online revenue stream.

Obviously, that’s not how I planned things. If all of my readers had only converted to paid subscriptions I’d be living comfortably in semi-retirement earning six figures, rocking golden Trump sneakers and probably sexting with Olivia Nuzzi. Real Seniors of the Eastern Seaboard would be in its fourth season.

But for whatever reason, 90% of those readers have chosen to invest their $50/year elsewhere, squandering it on food, medicine and other nonsense. I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but que sera, sera. I know I’m not the boss of you.

Fortunately, my greatest gift is ideas. And, ironically, the new venture occurred to me amid my ordinary routine of foraging online for potential Bully Pulpit topics: a thrice-daily ritual of poring over news aggregators for the events of the day.

This involves lots of depressing political coverage, but also scrolling past countless hundreds of clickbait headlines that don’t necessarily nourish an informed electorate, but totally make money with every set of eyeballs.

Hmm. A solution hidden in plain sight? The Magic 8 Ball says “AbsofreakinLUTELY!” Sure, those headlines are shallow. They are dishonest. They insult the reader’s intelligence.

Well, hell … I can do that! As you shall presently see, probably surprising you not one bit, I am a savant.

But hold your horses for a sec. First, I must acknowledge that a brilliant idea alone isn’t always sufficient to generate an obscene fortune. Indeed, I unleashed my entrepreneurial genius online only after encountering headwinds in the totally analog hospitality business. Probably you’re aware of both my Salmonella Villa chain of chicken sushi take-out and my foray into fine dining with SoHo Bland, the downtown Manhattan Canadian-Swiss-Dutch fusion tepid spot. No-brainers, right? Nope, believe it or not: wrong. It was when those can’t-miss enterprises unaccountably whiffed that I realized the internet was my revenue destiny. And Bully Pulpit would surely be my El Dorado.

But again, the financial results haven’t quite lived up to the forecasts. Also — not gonna lie — Bully Pulpit isn’t my first internet non-goldmine, either. A couple of previous digital startups haven’t panned out any better than Salmonella Villa.

• My platform Third Life, for losers so maladjusted they couldn’t even make friends on Second Life.

• My (I swear on my mother’s soul, actual) $1 billion GoFundMe to acquire the Chrysler Building. It fell just $999,999,925 short of its goal.

As for the 3D-printed pet turtle business, that I do not care to discuss. But one must look inward, mustn’t one? In launching Bully Pulpit, considering previous faceplants, hindsight suggests I might have chosen an online-content business not quite so dependent on documenting the collapse of civilization in 700-2,000 words a week. I do grasp that you might be hesitant to give me $50 to basically jam your hand in a toaster.

Still, I’m not giving up. Maybe it’s a case of “right church, wrong pew.” Maybe I slightly misread the marketplace. So maybe I must, as they say, “pivot.”

Unless the paid subs pick up before the New Year, I will venture into a side hustle called “I Candy,” and make a fortune in the Attention Economy. I won’t scroll past the clickbait. Friends and disciples, I’ll create it! I challenge you: just try to fight the dopamine rush when you see these:

• Tut Tut! Iconic 14th century BC Pharaoh totally unrecognizable today.

• A toned Mrs. Butterworth sizzles in crop top and stilettos. Watch the video! NSFW.

• Sleep therapist says “KILL THE PILL!” Toss those medicinal aids and that day-after fog. Just remove the glass shards and scorpions from your bedding. Click here to learn how!

• People just realizing that “dirt” and “soil” are the same thing.

• FORGET OZEMPIC! Hollywood stars shedding pounds overnight with Tantric Amputation.

• Celebrity toxicologist warns NEVER TAKE THESE POISONS BEFORE BEDTIME.

• Is your footwear slowly killing you? Scientists discover 99% of heart and cancer patients habitually wear shoes and socks. Learn more in comments.

• Fans of 1960s TV hit “Petticoat Junction” shocked to discover that Hooterville does not exist.

• FLUSH THOSE GUMMIES! Liquid supplement organically derived from grains and fruits can lighten your mood in minutes!

• Do this simple finger exercise once a day for 5 seconds and never go to the gym again! Or anywhere, moron.

• Local chef discovers method of removing genital warts with boiling oil. It’s genius!

• Everybody on the internet is saying the same thing: “in a right triangle, a squared plus b squared = c squared.”

Enticing, no? The only thing is, as naturally gifted a clickbaiter I may be, it’s not the twilight-years occupation I’d imagined. So I haven’t yet pulled the trigger. As explained in these final two headline samples, my next move depends on you. Please, please give them your attention.

• Nagging sense of guilt? Bully for you! I mean, literally. Become a Bully Pulpit paid subscriber. Act now, please. We are not bluffing. Also, those “likes” are lovely, but dude, the shares are PRICELESS. So kindly get busy.

• What affordable holiday present is just PERFECT for that Special Someone? Much better than cologne or a carton of overpriced pears. Give the gift of existential terror. Nobody will ever forget it! And your humble correspondent won’t have to — ho, ho, ho — prostitute himself to The Man. There’s a button on this page somewhere. Click on that. Please. Do it for the kids. And, oh, Merry Christmas. And, oh, SHARE THIS, TOO.