How Great You Are!
The weighty deliberations of the president's cabinet.
Trump Is the Only Person Who Can Save America, According to His Cabinet
– New York Times headline
TRANSCRIPT May 27, 2026
Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth
Mr. President, through your leadership, our fat and idle military personnel have seized the opportunity to be their best possible selves. They have obliterated small boat navigation in the Caribbean, turning both petty criminals and loser subsistence fishermen into chum. Merely threatening an invasion of the Greenlandian terrorist state has an entire nation shitting ice cubes. Did I say “nation”? I should have said “continent.” Your bold imperial harassment has served notice to our cuck NATO “partners” that your highly respected friend Mr. Putin is the least of their problems. But, sir, there is so much more.
Your personal bravery in action as a highly decorated reserve first baseman during the Vietnam War, and later night training with fashion models when Stage 4 bone spurs kept you frequently bedridden, is an inspiration to all who wear the uniform. And your brilliant strategy of attacking Iran to propel an ever harder line theocratic regime into power while depleting our reserves of ballistic missiles is simply masterful. All for the cost of only $100 billion, a smattering of dead schoolchildren and a baker’s dozen of probably woke or trans troops! Sir, you are taller and better than Jesus.
And now, if I may, just look! You have courageously ignored the naysayers, such as those weakling girly men at the CIA, and roundly defeated the infidel Islamic Republic of Iran. The cowards claimed Iran has prepared for decades against attack.The know-it-alls said the Iranians’ fissile material and centrifuges were preserved. The sitting-down-to-pee elites said their security services will repress any domestic rebellion. That was the Deep State talking. And radical foreigners like Macron. Seriously, what can he bench? Not only did we, under your command, obliterate Iranian defenses virtually overnight, we have made darn sure they will never again be a threat to Israel, surrounding Gulf states, Europe and the world, except with missiles, drones, terror, cyber attacks and a slight global-economy-crushing blockade. To quote scripture, My hand was the one you reached for all throughout the Great War / Always remember, uh-huh, we burn for better / I vow, I would always be yours / We survived the Great War.
Mr. President, this is your legacy. I am proud to be your lackey.
Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Sir, I want to thank you personally for your courage in the face of the woke Fauci cult. Under your leadership, HHS is restoring traditional American values, such as quackery and polio.
We also have a laser focus on infant mortality, where under Biden’s rigged presidency we were getting beaten year after year by shithole countries like Haiti, Afghanistan and Somalia. I vow to you that within two years we will surpass them, with more child deaths than any other nation, mainly by easily preventable infectious disease.
Thanks to you, Mr. President, we have succeeded in taking health benefits from the slackers, chiselers and chronic Latinos whom the fake news persists in calling most “vulnerable,” although respected researchers from the Heritage Foundation and the Atomwaffen Division have shown to be vermin infecting our society. Finally, sir, we are protecting the privacy of American pathogens by dismantling the Centers for Disease Control. No longer will their “epidemiologists” surveil, spy and harass patriotic American organisms as if they were criminals. And finally, sir, may I say how I admire your healthy tan.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio
Mr. President, for 17 months the whole world has watched in astonishment as you have personally ended 31 wars, including Russia vs. Ukraine, Israel vs. Hezbollah, the Civil War, Greece vs. Troy, The Federation vs. the Galactic Republic and Coke vs. Pepsi. Compare this to Sleepy Joe Biden, who was so busy picking up after “Covid,” so-called “climate change” and other Fake Scourges, he let trans athletes take over the NFL and sat idle as gas prices averaged $3.53 per gallon. Biden hated America so much he openly cavorted around Delaware and refused to intervene as prosecutors, woke judges and juries persecuted Patriots for simply storming the Capitol to subvert the certification of a rigged election, which you clearly won by 420 million votes — ironically, the same number of Americans who crowded the National Mall for your first inauguration. As I travel the globe, except when you keep me home while two self-dealing financiers represent us at crucial bi-lateral negotiations, I am struck by the genuine awe of world leaders at your unprecedented projection of American power. They literally shake their heads in disbelief, as opposed to the ruinous administration of Barack Hussein Obama, who didn’t even own a single golf resort. Sir, that is what makes me so proud. I must confess, at first I was skeptical about turning our backs on the United Nations, World Health Organization, Paris Climate Treaty and NATO, but of course now I see the genius of America First. It enriches our culture, it enriches our pride and, most of all, it enriches your family. I have just acquired a Trump watch and my associates several hundred thousand shares of securities in energy companies and AI. Sir, would you honor me by grabbing your Sharpie and autographing them for me?
Kelly Loeffler, Administrator, Small Business Administration
You, sir, are the greatest man who ever lived. Wherever I go to walk the Main Streets of our glorious American economy, I am stopped by true Patriots — often holding back tears — who are overflowing with gratitude for your superhuman vision in managing food prices, employment, Medicaid and affordable immigrant labor. The sentence I hear the most is, “He promised prosperity, and this is what he delivered!” Sir, so often their faces are contorted with pride, joy and disbelief.
But Mr. President, I mainly want to remind you that Secretary Brooke Rollins and I — Agriculture Department, sir, the brunette — have rescheduled this week’s Cabinet Bible Study for Thursday. America owes you a great debt for restoring faith to our country. Christian faith. Real faith. We so admire your incomparable piety, devotion and, especially, your ministry of influencing vulnerable young women lest they stray into Godless so-called independence or the culture of victimization. How bravely you guide them, even if necessary by the pussy. God bless you, King of Kings.
Brooke, perhaps you have something to add?
Brooke Rollins, Secretary of Agriculture
Thank you Madame Administrator. As you know, Mr. President, I don’t know much history. Don’t know much geography. Don’t know about plants or meat. Don’t know much ’bout the foods we eat. But I do know that I love you. And Jesus and money, too. And if you just won’t fire me, what a wonderful world this would be.
Russell Vought, Director, Office of Management and Budget
Mr. President, I have only two things to say. First, sir, Project 2025 has given way to Project 2026, which means we are well on the way to the repressive theocracy of our dreams and a dismantling of the radical-left conspiracy of Constitutional rights and rule of law. Under your leadership, I look forward to Project 2027, the return of slavery. And we cannot be stopped. As you like to say, “The Jews will not replace us.”
And my second point, sir: You smell so manly.