Putin Feels Just Terrible About the Whole Thing
The murderous autocrat worries that the invasion of Ukraine is causing the world to misjudge him.
TO: Honored Colleagues, Citizens, Western Bandits
FROM: Vladimir Putin
RE: Sincere apology
I am obliged to address certain characterizations of your president that have unfortunately emerged in the present circumstances of our country’s special operations in the breakaway Russian republic that calls itself “Ukraine.” Most particularly, Western imperialists have branded me a “murderer,” a “war criminal,” a “thug.” At the same time, our nation has been slandered with such epithets as “invader,” “aggressor” and “dictatorship.” These accusers speak glibly of terror tactics and atrocities, defaming not only our courageous armed forces but our entire nation, and your democratically elected president himself.
It is of course true, as the old Russian poslovitsa goes, “Special Operations are Hell.” In taming the Ukrainian aggressor, mistakes have been made. But an inadvertent miscalculation is not the same as a terror campaign. When bombs fall on a maternity hospital, resulting in some minor collateral damage, there is no need to jump to conclusions.
Such incidents are regrettable, but isolated. They do not reflect the values of this government or of the Motherland. Bombarding expecting mothers, that is not me. That is not who I am. Ask any of my friends. They will tell you that I don’t have an atrocious bone in my body. There is nobody more unatrocious than your president.
If some have been offended by the slight “torture” of 300 civilians in Bucha, I am very sorry that they feel that way. I apologize if some deluded individuals, brainwashed by Nazi propaganda, are traumatized by obvious disinformation. But I will not let a few mass graves be used to politicize the liberation of the Ukrainian people from the Nazi regime that enslaves them.
Remember, cluster bombs don’t kill people; recklessly living in unarmored apartment buildings kills people.
Critics are quick to invoke certain other curious events in our nation’s recent history, such as: