Kevin McCarthy in his own words, more or less.
TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains gratuitous and vulgar insults that may offend some readers. Oh well!
The following is a transcript of press questions to Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy (R-Machiavelli). Most of it, hyperlinked, is verbatim. The remainder is merely reality.
Reporter: Mr. Speaker, you have just named freshman Congressman George Santos to committee assignments. As you know, this new member fabricated virtually every element of his campaign biography and is under suspicion for campaign-finance illegalities and wire fraud in connection with fundraising on a pack of lies.
Reporter: The lies have been thoroughly documented, including his fake employment history, his fake higher-education history, his fake non-profit history, his fake 9/11 martyred-mother claim, his fake names and his fake addresses. There is also a criminal case against him in Brazil, and those outfits. Jesus, the sweaters.
Reporter: He admitted to the fabrications. He said so himself. He confessed.
McCarthy: Oh, and I suppose you believe anything he says? We’ll let the Ethics Committee sort this out, unless I can figure out a way to kill the committee altogether.
Reporter: Your party has been on a tirade about drag queens, and their supposed corrosive effect on American children. How do you feel about Santos performing as the drag queen “Kitara Ravache” in Brazil in 2008?
McCarthy: Once again, the liberal media are trying to smear Republican patriots with disinformation. I have spoken to the Congressman, who assures me he was not a drag queen but a drag princess. Next?
Reporter: You have vowed to deny Democrat Eric Swalwell his seat on the Select Intelligence Committee for having been targeted by a Chinese spy during the Obama administration. But upon being informed in 2015, Swalwell cut all ties with the operative and cooperated with law enforcement, which found no wrongdoing on his part, nor so much as an illegal campaign contribution. Isn’t that a double-standard?
McCarthy: That guy? Gimme a break. He wanted to impeach President Trump. Total douche.
Reporter: On that very point, I want to ask you about January 6, 2020, and the insurrection that attacked your workplace, the heart of our democracy. Immediately after the attacks on the Capitol, you said about Trump, “I’ve had it with this guy,” and said, quote, “The president bears responsibility.” But once you realized that Trump still wielded Svengali-like power over his MAGA base, you visited Mar-a-Lago to suck his withered, criminal dick. Eight days after blaming him, you unblamed him, saying “I don’t believe he provoked [the riot] if you listen to what he said at the rally.” And then you appointed two election/insurrection deniers to the Jan. 6 committee, and when former Speaker Nancy Pelosi refused to seat them, you withheld all Republican support into the investigation of American democracy’s worst day. Why the about-face? Are you a whore to a criminal, sociopathic demagogue?
Reporter: So then we’ve heard the last of Hillary’s emails, Hunter Biden’s laptop, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, Covid denial and so on?
McCarthy: On the contrary, going forward, the members of my caucus will obsess about them more than ever.
Reporter: Just to be clear, you’re saying the attacks on the Capitol were not Trump’s fault, or Proud Boys’ fault, or Oath Keepers’ fault, or MAGA’s fault, or Three Percenters’ fault, or Christian Nationalists’ fault, or QAnon’s fault, or Steve Bannon’s fault, or Fox News’s fault. I ask, because they are falling like duckpins in criminal court. If they aren’t fully to blame, who is?
Reporter: Back to committees, you promised to remove Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-Minnesota) from the foreign affairs committee based on her inflammatory anti-Israel comments some have characterized as anti-Semitic.
McCarthy: Darn tootin’. “I promised you last year that as speaker she would no longer be on Foreign Affairs, and I’m keeping that promise.” There is no room in this chamber for hate speech, vile accusations, ad hominem attacks or demagoguery. None.
Reporter: Yet you have restored the committee assignments of crackpot dentist Paul Gosar (R-Arizona) and avowed Christian nationalist Marjorie Taylor Green (C-Georgia), who has embraced QAnon, questioned the 9/11 attacks on the Pentagon, ascribed fatal shootings to false-flag operations and promoted the execution of Democratic leaders. Not to mention the Jewish Space Lasers thing, which, as you know Mr. Speaker, was fucking bananas.
Reporter: But she’s ignorant, hateful, vile and dumber than a stack of flapjacks.
McCarthy: “If you’re going to be in a fight, you want Marjorie in your foxhole, When she picks a fight, she’s going to fight until the fight’s over. She reminds me of my friends from high school, that we’re going to stick together all the way through.”
Reporter: So, like teen gangs. Or the Wagner Group.
Reporter: One last thing, Mr. Speaker. If by some unlikely eventuality the Ethics Committee finishes its work before the next election and Santos is expelled or resigns his seat, there are whispers in the caucus that the GOP will nominate Satan (R-Hades) in a special election. Would you support the Prince of Darkness for that seat?
McCarthy: That depends. Will he raise his own money?