The Bigger Steal
People are saying the Crime of the Century was a robbery in an Illinois gas station.
What happened Friday was a catastrophe. Frankly, it was a Disgrace like you’ve never seen.
If you follow the fake news, you might believe that some phony from “Illinois” “won” the Mega Millions jackpot of $1.34 billion. That is just the latest lie from the corrupt media. The fact is — and everyone knows this — I won the Mega Millions and won it big. I won it very strongly. Nobody has won Friday’s Mega Millions like I won it. People are saying it was the biggest win ever. They’ve never seen anything like it.
But now the Enemies of the People are telling you something else. Just like the Justice Department and the State of New York and the District Attorney of Cobb County, Georgia, and the January 6 Kangaroo Kommittee and 60 courts and my former White House staff and cabinet and Fox Lose Channel, they want to persecute me. It’s unbelievable. This is the greatest Crime in the history of the Universe, which Mike Pence once told me is almost 6,000 years old. Which is something many people don’t know. That was before Benedict Pence let me down and betrayed our Country, of course. I did everything for him and that goody two-shoes wife of his, who, by the way, he treats like Gina Lollobrigida, but have you ever seen her? Gimme a break.
Let me tell you. There’s nothing these evil Never Trumpers won’t do, including use the corrupt Deep State to perpetrate massive and overwhelming lottery fraud. The winning numbers, by the way, were 13, 36, 45, 57 and 67 — which I chose personally because they happen to be very important to me: 13, my age when I cheated my first tenant; 36, number of times I cheated on taxes; 45, number of times I cheated on Ivana; 57, number of Heinz varieties (Numero Uno being spaghetti ketchup); and 67, number of times I cheated on Marla. For the Mega Ball, I’d have used the number of times I cheated on Melania, but they only allow two-digit numbers. So I chose 17, which is the sum of the number of strokes I don’t count during an average 9 holes of golf plus the number of war criminals I’ve pardoned.
So now — do you believe this? — now I read that some supposed “lucky winner” just happened to fill up in a Speedway gas station in Des Plaines, Ill., and bought the winning ticket. Do you believe that? That’s what they’re writing. First of all, Des Plaines, Ill. If you look it up, there is no such place. The dishonest press made it up. That’s what they do; they just make things up to please the Democrats who pay them off. These are horrible, horrible people. So horrible you wouldn’t believe. You don’t see them writing stories when antifa rigs lotteries, along with Hillary, Black Lives Matter and Cassidy Hutchinson, the low, low, low-level secretary who I never touched and who still started showboating for the January 6 Uncommittee of Fat Liars. This is a person nobody has ever heard of. She isn’t even hot. And people say she’s Chinese, from China. And by the way, we have videos, which we will be looking into, of her and Congressman Adam Shiftless pulling up to Speedway Cafés all over the Midwest in a New York Times delivery truck and carting away suitcases full of winning tickets. Rudy has scheduled a press conference at the Ritz, I believe. RitzCamera.com.
This will go down as the most corrupt lottery in the history of our Country, and if I do not get an apology by close of business this coming Friday I will be filing suit against the Multi-State Lottery Association and Mexico. Then I will play a round at Trump National Golf Club & Cemetery, where I will pay my respects to Ivana, may she Rest In Peace beside the 545-yard par-5 first hole with the slight dogleg left and a sloping green well protected by three fairway bunkers. She was a great gal who voted for me twice, but unfortunately died, they tell me.
I also had a perfect call yesterday with Sarah M. Taylor, president of the lottery board, to ask about this phony 14 nonsense supposedly being the Mega Ball number on the “winning” ticket. Like I said, I have the gorgeous number 17. So I said to Taylor, “Do me a favor. You’re all about numbers, right? There must be a lot of 17s sitting around over there. Couldn’t you find one 17 to say is the correct winning number so that Justice can be restored? And also a 13, 36, 45, 57 and 67?” She’s from the beautiful, beautiful state of Indiana, so I added, “Come on, Sarah, Hoosier Daddy?”
And this witch says, “Why would I do something so blatantly illegal and unfair?” And I said, perfectly, “Do it for your favorite President. Do it for your country. This is a very nice Multi-State Lottery Association you have there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it.”
If she realizes Mega Millions’ error and fixes it, great. If not, she’s a liar who dishonors the title president like nobody has ever dishonored it before.
So close to The Donald's voice that maybe Bob should consider an exorcism. Begone, Donald; and just like that the ex-President would disappear! Who knew Mr. Garfield had such power?