The Bunion

A bony, discolored rip-off of The Onion is pathetic, but really just a cry for help.

Construction is underway on the Architect-in-Chief’s boldly designed Sixagon.

Trump orders Pentagon demolished
“Wait til you see the Sixagon,” he says. “It’s a whole gon better. By the way, I was the one who came up with the number six. I don’t get any credit for it, but that’s ok. I also invented syrup.”

Mark Zuckerberg arrested for fraud
Police allege he attempted to sell his soul to the Devil.

President cuts ties with illegally nominated beauty contestant Lindsey Halligan
Nominates AI influencer Lil Miquela as U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia.

Elon Musk apologizes to “the retard community”
Announces plans for new Tesla Model N-Word.

Poll: Majority of Americans say egg prices still too high
Respondents also “don’t give a shit” about police state.

RELATED: MAGA demands execution for protesters “disrespecting America”
Public irate over Dodgers’ free-agent spending.

Republicans declare “mission accomplished” in battling War Against Christmas
Vow “rivers of blood” in War on Para Español, Marque Dos.

Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Youkiddingme) declares “we should be cautious about cancer”
Then casts tiebreaking vote for cancer.

Secretary of War Crimes Pete Hegseth deploys cruise missiles against “narco wind farms”
Next: “narco judiciary” and “narco Snopes.”

UN Ambassador Mike Waltz resigns to join a top-secret Signal chat with Mike Lindell, OnlyFans star Sophie Rains, Kim Jong Un and Perez Hilton
Senate confirms his replacement: a truckload of tainted meat.

Vietnamese restaurant chain cheekily renames itself “Auntie Pho”
The next instant it suddenly ceases to exist.

Greenland and Venezuela declare war on Canada
“We’re looking at it strongly,” Trump says, “but we had dibs.”

RFK Jr. denies being humorless
Redirects funding from “the science hoax” to new Institute for Study of Blood, Phlegm, Yellow Bile and Black Bile.

In surprise backlash to research shift, Fox News denounces RFK Jr.’s yellow and black bile focus
“A massive DEI hire,” says Jesse Waters.

Gillette seizes on most obvious growth strategy
Releases Lady Occam’s Razor in pink.

In medical first, Tucker Carlson is surgically removed from a polyp
Polyp is immediately hired to co-anchor CBS Evening News.

RELATED: Trump “aces” prostate exam
“The doctors said, ‘Sir, it’s the biggest we’ve ever fingered.”

RELATED: Routine medical exam of easygoing presidential advisor Stephen Miller may explain infectious personality
White House physician: “The man is 97% pus.”

Deviant social-media poster expresses opinion, but adds he doesn’t have all of the facts and can’t possibly intuit motivations of third parties
World immediately stops spinning on its axis.

In new ad campaign, NRA begs to be hated again
Tagline: “Aw shoot, did you forget about us?”

Operation White Power
Republicans in Congress purchase package deal for 271 anal bleachings “to assist the President in his historic agenda.”

Trump claims “ultimate authority” with executive order declaring himself HOA Commander in Chief
Imposes death penalty on Gavin Newsom for non-conforming shutters.

Bombshell investigation
Craft beers don’t taste good.

Two million pages of Epstein Files found in Mara-a-Lago sauna
Trump claims documents planted in “fake Vietnamese-food delivery.”

Nancy Mace: Lunatic or Dunce?
Yes.

Qatar donates one 747 airliner, 200,000 Trump mobile phones and Doha to estate of Mother Teresa
Tells recipient, “Gifting for a friend.”

Trump accepts secondhand canonization from estate of Mother Teresa
Renames Washington State volcano Mount St. Me.