The Reality Hoax

Can't you people just leave this poor man alone?

Unlucky man.

Some people are just so unlucky.

For example, Malala Yousafzai, the 15-year-old Afghani girl who was shot in the head by the Taliban for the crime of going to school. Another hard-luck lot are the 38 Russian oligarchs who, in 2022 started the viral trend of plunging to their deaths in falls from windows. Also you can’t leave out the extremely unfortunate Venezuelan and Colombian drug traffickers and/or pleasure boaters who were taken into custody by the U.S. military on suspicion of narco-terrorism — whatever that is — mainly by having their bits and chunks scooped from the sea after the Americans circumvented annoying legal red tape by blowing them to Kingdom Come.

Very, very unlucky, one and all. But not nearly as unlucky as Donald Trump.

For years, this poor, lonely man, who knows more about unfairness than anyone, has been persecuted with one phony, Marxist witch hunt after another — all based on completely biased accusations invented by DemoCRAP thugs and proliferated by the Enemies of the People in the failing, so-called “free press.”

Those low-IQ individuals and their fake news have totally made up 3,000% of the alleged “scandals” that unfairly portray Trump as a pathologically lying, narcissistic, despot-horny, unAmerican career criminal with a soiled diaper and a tiny, dysfunctional set of micro ethics.

Just look at all of the wild, far-left accusations traitors have completely manufactured to (unsuccessfully!) damage the smartest, healthiest, handsomest, peacefullest, bottle-tannedest President in history:

Russia hoax
Perfect phone call hoax
Election hoax
Covid hoax
Climate hoax
January 6 hoax
Impeachment hoax
Epstein hoax
E. Jean Carroll hoax
Stormy Daniels hoax
34 felonies hoax
Podium incoherence hoax (see “the weave”)
Underwater polls hoax
Consumer Price Index hoax
Jobs report hoax
Vaccine hoax
Green New Deal hoax
Civil War hoax
Systemic racism hoax
Escalator hoax
MRI hoax
Tom Homan $50,000 in a bag hoax
Reagan anti-tariff speech hoax
Withered brain hoax

So many hoaxes! If you didn’t know any better, you’d suspect that every time Trump got caught with his hand in the nookie jar or the U.S. Criminal Code or just plain malignant unreality, people would start “blaming” him and he’d have no choice but to pretend it’s all a conspiracy against him. You know, the way juvenile sociopaths do.

But, no. He’s actually a victim. A victim the likes of which you’ve never seen before. He knows more about unfairness than the so-called “slaves,” fallen soldiers, Jesus and other bigly losers. Can’t recall … was it Christ or John McCain he badmouthed? Something like, “Not a fan. I like Messiahs who weren’t crucified.” Honestly, my memory is fuzzy; there have been so many courageous slurs.

But here he is, only 10 months into one of his last four-year terms, and he is running out of scandals to be unfairly blamed for. It’s a time for all true Patriots to step forward and identify more hoaxes that he can invoke to prepare history and Grand Juries for his remaining time in office.

Jot these down, MAGA. He’ll be needing them!

Extort members of Congress for cover-up hoax
Separation of Powers hoax
Sex-trafficked First Lady hoax
Trading foreign policy for family business hoax
Selling pardons for family business hoax
Contempt of court hoax
25th Amendment hoax
Right-wing terrorism hoax

But wait; there’s more. At some point — after the unfairness peaks, and Trump finds himself eternally marinating in humiliation, ridicule and failure — consigned to the cruel, agonizing Bataan Death March into paranoia and delusion, here are a few final hoaxes he can mumble repeatedly through the drool and anal leakage to settle all scores with the hostile world of reality:

Magnetism hoax
Ice Age hoax
6/7 hoax
Designated hitter hoax
Schrödinger’s Cat hoax
Impossible Burger hoax
Toenail fungus hoax
Horseless carriage hoax
“Ultra-absorbent and odor-free” hoax
Red out-of-bounds stakes off the 14th fairway hoax
History hoax

And, above all, the EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF UNBEARABLE PSYCHOLOGICAL MISERY hoax.

For the record, the MRI showed he is mentally perfect, both healthy and serene. “Sir,” the White House physician told him, “you are the most serene U.S. president in 5,000 years. This is serenity nobody has ever seen. Better than Abraham Lincoln’s MRI by far. Better than Dolly the Llama. Biden and Obama were both rated at the bottom. Congratulations, sir!”

But every time he serenely posts on Truth Social, the Trump Derangement Syndrome lunatics call him “unhinged.” As if he were some sort of dangerous nutcase with the nuclear codes at his stubby fingertips.

Fake news! Disgusting. It’s simply not fair.

CORRECTION: A previous version of this column implied that Tom Barrack, U.S. Ambassador to Turkey, was the subject of an FBI sting operation and accepted a bag with $50,000 in cash. It was in fact Tom Homan, White House Border Czar.