The Weave, Tariff Edition
Beware of Sharpie law.
Message on Tariff Bonanza Day, 2025
A Weave from His Holiness Donald J. Trump, GED, ADHD, GIDWTF
The White House
May 7, 2025
Such shameful, disgusting and, frankly, treasonous behavior — AS USUAL — from radical left lunatics, RINOs, academic “elites,” Antifa, Hollywood phonies, bloated Deep State bureaucRATS, the very evil aliens of the Galactic Empire, the Fake News, the Fake Polls, the Fake Science, pedophile judges and so-called “economists.”
These phony “critics” (who all, frankly, flood our Great Nation with Chinese goods and avocado toast) have been working overtime against Patriotic Americans with the usual nasty, unfair questions about the “rule of law,” “undermining” our crooked and weak “allies” and the Failing Bill of Rights. (I call it the Bill of Wrongs, which I came up with but, like hydroCloroxoquine and marmalade and Sudoku, I don’t get any credit for.)
Listen to this. Do you believe it? They even did a hit job on my poynyunt and respectful photo tribute to the liberal Soros-backed Pope, who had all the time in the world to protect the “vulnerable,” but pulled out the “scheduling conflict” excuse when I personally asked him to record a robo-call for getting CATHOLIC Attorney General nominee Pam Bondi past the Bible-clutching judiciary committee. A beautiful lady and brilliant lawyer as she shows every day.
But Widdle Frankie, who our revamped Intelligence Community informs me had his Communion crackers baked with MMR vaccine and stolen cats, wanted no part of her. Not even the grabable parts. What a loser, may he rest in, in his tiny red shoes.
Do you believe a grown man would wear magic slippers like young Dorothy? Except, I promise you, this weakling could never escape from Oz. Dorothy clicked her heels three times and got back to Kansas. Frankie couldn’t even get out of a sand trap. You should have seen him at our Mar-a-Lago Celebrity Tournament and Prayer Weekend. Greg Abbott, the governor of Texas, beat Frankie like a drum. A cripple in a wheelchair! I mean, peristalsis is an obstacle, but try playing 18 holes in a dress. Widdle Frankie never shut up about poor people’s disadvantages, but nobody has a disability like the Pope’s wedge game, and the sucker still counted every stroke. Naturally the Fake News treats him like Yves Saint John or The Rock. They never had to watch his backswing.
Not a fan, okay? But do you believe that he was anti-tariff? Incredible. He couldn’t breathe and, people are saying, threw like a girl, but he actually couldn’t see a real miracle when it was right in front of his beady little eyes. “The creation of this wealth must always be at the service of the common good, and not only for the benefit of a few,” he said, which is why Catholicism’s ratings are so far down. I’m thinking of buying the Vatican and turning it into Guantanamo East or the biggest, most authentic Medieval Times restaurant — only with burgers on the menu. Can you believe people pay a fortune for an authentic Middle Ages dining experience and they CAN’T GET KETCHUP? If I wanted to not have ketchup I’d leave Greenland to Vlad and purchase France.
But if the so-called Pope’s dying wish was for a miraculous end to our beautiful, beautiful tariffs, we can toss that “infallible” propaganda right out the window like fake Ticker Tape or a Russian oligarch. Our brilliant tariffs (which economists are such low-intelligence individuals they call them “doodies”) are WINNING like nobody has seen before. And more are coming. Much more.
Tariffs make goods more expensive, right? So they depress “demand” and encourage manufacturers to set up shop here, tariff-free. That’s why the automobile industry will come back and textiles will come back and other Made-in-America industries, like Ponzi Schemes and Taco Bell. We may pay a little bit more at the cash register. But our precious little girls don’t need 30 dolls and people don’t need to eat every single week.
So I got the idea that we should impose massive doodies on everything we want to suppress demand for. Like Fentanyl. It destroys lives. It floods are markets. Therefore, on Monday I will announce a 1 MILLION PERCENT tariff on fentanyl. It will be a win-win. China will stop poisoning us, and our own entrepreneurs can produce fentanyl of the highest quality for sale at huge profits.
Immigrants? No problem! 1 MILLION PERCENT TARIFF. The doodies will be paid by the American importer, but again, we will have a thriving pool of laborers to mow our lawns, pick our oranges and build our townhouses for an estimated $14,500 per hour. People forget that we once had this system before the Marxist-Fascist thugs like Franklin D. Roosevelt and never-Trumper Abraham Lincoln started to overreach. Those times are over. We will bring back Coal and we will bring back Slavery.
There is so much opportunity if we just summon the vision and courage to embrace it. Imagine if the genius that gave us Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump University, Trump Casinos, Trump Sneakers and Donald Trump Jr. were unleashed to Make America Profitable Again.
Poll Taxes. Duh.
Jew tariff.
Laws.
What is this weird fixation on due process and weaponizing the Ten Commandments? I’m already doing my part by pardoning insurrectionists, war criminals and architects of massive frauds. But as I’ve done in the past I must acknowledge there will be some pain.
For instance, we used to lead the free world in incarceration. America First, right here in the USA, but now the rest of the world is ripping us off by emptying their asylums and sending us their most dangerous “-ists” — terrorists, rapists, Methodists, immunologists and violinists. There are reports of Venezuelan podiatrists breaking into homes in Wisconsin and shaving the people’s calluses. We are looking into that. We are looking into it strongly.
I’m talking about the worst of the worst. It’s funny. Did you know the Germans have the same word? People say to me, “Sir, you are personally very, very particulate, but did you know the Germans spell it Wurst, which people don’t know is a sausage.” I actually was the first to notice that. But I think of it as Wurst, Fraud and Corruption. The great Elon Musk has found that we are importing $870 trillion in bratwurst from Europe. Think of it. $870 trillion, which is a great ripoff, while the European Union buys, what, six, seven thousand dollars of Lunchables? It’s shameful. With that kind of money we could buy Greenland, Panama, Neptune and Putin’s Nanny Cam.
Don’t get me started on Europe, which calls itself a “Continent” but doesn't even have school shootings. What have they had … 5 in 40 years? We do that in one good month, not counting the hoaxes. And soccer. What is that? Is it even a sport? We are looking very strongly into hooligans, but otherwise there is nothing to see. They don’t even have cheerleaders. And, hand to the authentic Trump Bible, cricket. Seriously? These highly disgusting practices are nothing less than UNAMERICAN.
And they want to contaminate the blood of the American people by imposing BAGUETTE LAW and removing the 100% natural carbon from the atmosphere. They are cruel and inferior, but also very shrewd. The Italians sell chocolate bars in triangle-shaped boxes. Three sided! How do they do that? We have the Secretary of Defense looking into that, too. Elon wants to cut the Pentagon by two-fifths.