You’re driving in the direction of your own home. You see fire engines and ambulances just ahead of you, on the same route. You wonder, “Is it my house?” You worry, just a little. Or more than a little. Then, a quarter-mile ahead, the emergency vehicles turn off in another direction. Your worry stops. Never mind that somebody else’s house may be aflame with children and pets and bearer bonds trapped inside; you’re personally not at risk. By the time you get home, two minutes later, you have forgotten the whole thing.
To paraphrase Descartes, “I think only of myself. Therefore I am.”
Right. So now to the subject of the day: the impact of ChatGPT on creators — particularly writers, particularly journalists, particularly pundits. We have seen the extraordinary leaps in artificial intelligence capabilities, certain to disrupt society at least as much as the steam engine, television, the birth-control pill and perhaps even E-ZPass. ChatGPT has already written more novels than James Patterson and the alumni of the Iowa workshop combined. It writes probably half the essays submitted to college professors worldwide. It is being used by news organizations to do boilerplate reporting on finance and sports.
But is it coming for ME?
To find out, I instructed ChatGPT to write 100 words about Donald Trump Jr. in the writing style of … me. But before I submitted my request, I myself wrote 100 words about Donald Trump Jr. in the style of me.
If you look up the phrase “coke-addled dick lesion” on Google images, here’s what you get:
Yes, Donald Trump Jr., a cartoon caricature of cynicism, dishonesty, entitlement and arrested adolescence. Next to him, Richie Rich is Ann Frank. Oh, wait … that picture isn’t Junior. That’s the insufferable yuppie douchebag from Die Hard. Here’s DTJ:
Every day, he posts a hysterical YouTube video screed denouncing the usual suspects in a hyperventilated litany of lies and reactionary tropes. He shouts at the screen, waving his arms like a ramp marshall at Fuckwad International Airport. His overall theme is grievance with the radical left and its Soros-backed co-conspirators in government and the media — as delivered by a swollen hemorrhoid.
I am happy to report that ChatGPT delivered no such incendiary appraisal. What it wrote, “in the style of Bob Garfield,” was this:
Donald Trump Jr. is the human embodiment of a clickbait headline — all sizzle, no steak. He’s a privileged son of a former president, obsessed with maintaining relevance and power through a never-ending series of bombastic tweets and appearances. His behavior is so predictable, it’s almost comical — he says something offensive, gets called out for it, then doubles down with even more outrageous comments. But while his antics may be entertaining to some, they also serve as a stark reminder of the corrosive effects of wealth and power on our society.
Needless to say, while essentially correct, ChatGPT’s draft in no way mimicked my trademark approach to thoughtful, measured commentary — which suggested two possibilities. One was that the platform lacks the subtlety to imitate the prose style or thought process of a particular author. Or, two, that my piddling 2 million words of published work haven’t given the robot enough raw material for mimicry. Thus yielded Part Two of the experiment. I asked the app to write 100 words about Junior in the style of Ernest Hemingway.
Donald Trump Jr. inherited a fortune and a name, but not his father’s charisma or political instincts. He is an entitled man-child, obsessed with fame and the limelight, but lacking in any real depth or substance. His speeches and social media posts are full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. He is a caricature of privilege and excess, a symbol of all that is wrong with our society. But perhaps there is hope that he can overcome his shallow nature and find meaning in his life, if only he can see beyond his own ego and embrace a more compassionate worldview.
Well, that’s another fail — closer to Ernest Borgnine than Ernest Hemingway. And so I quietly rejoiced. I am not yet obsolesced by AI. But then, on the chance that early generations of ChatGPT are verging on the disintermediation of human creativity, I made one final request:
Write 100 words about Donald Trump Jr. in the style of Dr. Seuss. Ten second later, I was delivered this:
Oh, Donald Trump Jr., what a sight to see,
With his tweets and his speeches so full of glee.
He likes to stir up trouble and make people mad,
And his dad is the president, isn’t that rad?But sometimes it seems like he’s lost his way,
And all he cares about is his own big pay.
He could use a lesson from the Cat in the Hat,
About how to be kind and help others, imagine that!So Donald Trump Jr., if you’re listening here,
Let’s spread love and joy, not hate and fear.
We’ll make the world a better place, you and me,
With kindness and compassion, just wait and see!
Uh-oh. Today the fire was not at my house. Tomorrow is another story.