Vlad the Implorer

Just a quick note from Trump's BFF.

Best buds.

5 January, 2021 

My Dear Mr. President,

Spasibo!

Thank you, Donald, for your kind shipment of Covid-19 detector mechanisms. On behalf of entire Russian people, may I express gratitude for your kindness and generosity. Snoopy gift wrap was nice touch.

As you know, I am “bit of germaphobe,” so it is relief not to be concerned about virus that might otherwise keep me from my complicated job of destabilizing the world and correcting rivals, political opponents and billionaires whom I have enriched and yet disrespect me.

I imagine it is very difficult in the United States of America to imagine so-to-say  “extrajudicial” methods of political education and etiquette, as “retaliation” is strangely understood in USA as big abuse of power, though we both know it to demonstrate strong leadership and preservation of status quo. But, as old Russian proverb instructs, “eradicate mouse before it become bear.” Your Ministry of Prosecution should serve you well. I have found that tax laws can be used most effectively, as well as incitement statutes and neurotoxins.

Permit example, my friend. You might have invited Michael Pence to your famous villa Trump Tower and entertained him there. “Dear Michael,” you could speak, “let us walk to the window to see the magnificent view of our great land! Yes, Michael, drink in the beauty of our nation. Here, allow me to open the window so you may be furnished with clearer vista. But take care not to lose your balance. It is many stories down to the street! Mind your footing, dear friend. I am keen to embrace you!”

But that, as we say, is вода перевозит плавающие трупы под мостом — “water that transport floating corpses under bridge.”

Concerning your request for certain одолжение — what you call “small favor” — I am pleased to assist in any way possible. A Trump Tower in the Kremlin for us is a “no cerebellumer,” as Americans colloquialize! My people are particularly impressed with President Trump suggestion of onion dome. (I confess, our Ministry of Industry, Infrastructure and Architecture is puzzled by expression “Onion rings, frankly, MORE DELICIOUS THAT WAY, an onion dome the likes of which Russia has never seen. Nobody has seen an onion dome like that, believe me.” Kindly clarify.)

As for the assistance in sharing truth about certain politicians’ weaknesses and flaws, be assured we are at this moment hard at work promulgating and proliferating via internet soiled laundered goods you request. So many pedophiles in USA! 😂 And, yes, of course, portly entertainment star Rosie O’Donnell is dead woman. Consider matter closed.

I hope this gesture of good faith signifies permanent bond between us. Permit me friend also to make couple requisitions: 

Number first: to settle amusing drinking wager, please furnish specifications for Ohio class nuclear-powered submarines and avionic details of 14 ballistic missiles and four cruise missile weapons. This time, please, no Sharpie markings on documents.

Number second: texts and calls much appreciated. Please desist however. Getting creeped out.

Your Humble Servant,

Vlad