Wagner Group Quarterly Report
Opportunity knocks in Ukraine. Also, high mobility artillery rockets.
8 August 2022
Greetings, Stakeholders:
Management is pleased to furnish news of another robust 90-day period of operations for Группа Вагнера, Russia’s only full-service international security consultancy, known worldwide for our slogan: “If you’re lucky, we’ll burn you alive.”
TOPLINE OUTLOOK
The Q2 takeaway is that each day the Company continues to grow revenues, net income and its record of blood-curdling atrocities. Despite some headwinds in the Fascist Republic of Ukraine, where Company consultants are undergoing rates of attrition that underperform our statistical models, our business-development pipeline efforts are yielding positive results. Management expects in the coming months to expand our offerings into West Africa, Eastern Europe including Baltic states, Florida and Texas.
As our fiscal year comes to its halfway mark, Management now turns its attention to driving expansion year-over-year in our two core businesses — security and rape — while also exploring out-of-sector opportunities in enterprise software, cryptocurrency, gaming, smuggling, pizza, artisanal neurotoxins and Josh Hawley’s Leadership PAC.
The Company’s top priority for the next 90 days is accelerating growth by driving expanded revenue from our existing clients. The outlook is enhanced by the rapid force-reduction of official Russian military personnel in eastern Ukraine due to the enemy killing the fuck out of them.
MARKETPLACE PERCEPTIONS
The Company’s launch came in 2014 when fewer than 250 of our first recruiting class of consultants penetrated the Luhansk region of Ukraine in unmarked uniforms. At that time, no analyst imagined that we would swiftly overrun government facilities and authority. This modest contract paved the way for a relatively bloodless annexation of Crimea by Russia’s noble military, to which we have no connection whatsoever. Nor the intelligence services. Nor Vladimir Putin’s inner circle. It is a coincidence that the Company is headquartered in Russia, which host nation Management chose for its weather and convenient network of blood-doping facilities.
As easily as the Wagner Group team tossed aside Ukrainian command and control back in 2014, so does Management now reject language such as “paramilitary” or “mercenary” to describe our personnel offering. Wagner surely falls into neither of those categories of enterprise, because to be a paramilitary organization, you must exist, which, officially, we do not. Yet since that humble 2014 effort, the Company has done brisk business in Syria, Central African Republic, South Sudan and now Ukraine itself. Our headcount has grown by a factor of 32, sitting currently at 8,000 (depending on what happened in Donetsk in the past 24 hours) — and much greater if you count the heads of slaughtered civilians and prisoners of war.
MATERIAL DISCLOSURES
1. Transitory downturns are not unexpected in the security sector, which otherwise has been characterized by robust growth. Our principal client’s battlefield reversals have created a reciprocal opportunity for expansion of our services going forward, although, with respect to the previously mentioned headwinds, natural personnel attrition has impacted our own consultant roster. Our peak employment of 8,000 consultants has been diminished by recruitment from competing organizations (SPECTRE, ISIS, San Bernardino Police Department) and by High Mobility Artillery Rockets. Western estimates have been as high as 3,000 Company personnel dead. By policy, Management does not comment on propaganda. Nonetheless, the Company has aggressively scaled outbound prospecting, cold email and LinkedIn engagement to identify additional team members via Russian maximum-security prisons, existing global terrorist networks and — in a promising pilot project — Oath Keepers. The process also permits us to re-engage existing prospects (Burkina Faso, the United States Secret Service) with updated value propositions leveraging internal teams.
2. Libelous accusations of “war crimes.” On July 28, neo-Nazi paramilitaries tied to the fascist Ukrainian regime attacked former penal colony No. 120 in the town of Olenivka. This prison housed Ukrainian prisoners of war, mostly the last holdouts of the former Azovstal Steelworks who had been heroically liberated by Motherland forces in May. In a clumsy and obvious false-flag operation, the Ukrainians killed 40 of their own soldiers with Russian high explosives in a blatant attempt to shift blame onto the Company. They also somehow tortured their own imprisoned soldiers beforehand, undoubtedly with the assistance of the Jews. While clearly an intelligence-agency operation to smear the Company, the episode has created a public-relations challenge. The Company is actively attempting to reframe the enemy narrative. This involves “winning the news cycle,” mainly by murdering civilians and hiding the remains in mass graves.
3. Merger. For the purpose of strategic diversification and ideological alignment, Wagner Group has made a cash offer of $93.75 per share for Papa John’s Intl Inc.