A Very Important Announcement from The Bobosphere
How to attain visionary leadership and radiant, rejuvenated skin.
An extremely timely and historic message follows. I shall first explain the circumstances that have led to it.
As many of you know, yours truly has spent much of my 45 years in journalism attempting to be the center of a global cult. I call it The Bobosphere. Alas, as they say in the world of business, we are facing headwinds.
There was a point at which I imagined legions of followers in saffron robes sprawled at my feet awaiting my next pronouncement. I even envisioned a physical community, perhaps in the Seychelles or Delaware, with its own farm fields, dormitories and factories for making eco-motorbikes, organic marmalade and methamphetamine. Artisanal methamphetamine, of course. Family recipe.
But, nope. The Bobosphere is not expanding fast enough to unsettle the establishment, the clergy or National Review.com. And I know why.
For decades, my gimmick for keeping followers in my thrall has been Truth — saying what needs to be said, based on evidence, with neither fear nor favor, come what may. It meant excoriating scoundrels, but also occasionally calling out fellow travelers when they strayed from the honest path for reasons of political opportunism, vanity or greed. Being a heroic champion of intellectual honesty often meant being excoriated myself by the forces of reaction who were threatened by my candor and transcendent wisdom and rugged good looks. But I slept like a baby.
Problem is, secret-saucewise, truth kind of sucks. Not only has it been a disappointing Unique Selling Proposition, it attracts the most listless acolytes ever. Question: Have you ever seen 10,000 people converge on a Bobosphere rally clad in American-flag sportswear and hats emblazoned with the Bully Pulpit logo? Nope. Why would they? I’d only be telling them something that can be learned merely by reading a few credible newspapers. Or by consulting relevant official documents or scientific research. The sad facts are: Good news isn’t news, and truth isn’t entertaining.
On the other hand, what if you wanted to believe things that evidence was only going to undermine? Like, “Through me, Jesus will make you rich and healthy.” Or, “I will save the coal industry.” Or, “The Jews … amirite?”
That’s when people open their mouths, hearts and checkbooks. Tell them what they want to hear, no matter how hateful or idiotic, and they will follow you anywhere — after first giving you their credit card numbers. It is the psychology that empowers evil demagogues and L’Oreal.
Look at Putin. He has just cost Russia more than $100 billion and 65,000 lives, and they haven’t voted him out of office, couped him out or insurrectioned him out. They haven’t even picketed his $1.8 billion palace. Why? Because he didn’t say, “I’m going to gamble away vast blood, treasure and what little remaining stature Russia has in the world on a flimsy pretext of ‘self defense’ and the wild hope we can overrun Ukraine in four days.” No, he said this is a war against Nazis and NATO aggression for the sake of preserving sacred Mother Russia.
Sending 40,000 troops into a neighboring country and raining missiles onto its capital, not to mention perpetrating war crimes against civilians, is obviously the exact opposite of self-defense. And it’s been an abject humiliation and bloodbath, victimizing all of Europe and bringing the world to the brink of nuclear annihilation, but Putin hasn’t so far been escorted from the Kremlin in handcuffs.
Why? Because his lies fulfilled very deep yearnings in the Russian soul. It doesn’t have to be true if your audience of chauvinists and suckers wishes for it to be true. I shall repeat that: It doesn’t have to be true if your audience of chauvinists and suckers wishes for it to be true.
The 21st century is like Monty Python’s “Black Knight” encounter on a grand scale: violent bullies indignantly telling preposterous lies, while the truth just squats there in front of everybody’s faces.
King Arthur: “I’ve just lopped off your arm!”
Black Knight: “No, you haven’t.”
NATO: “You’ve supplied drones to Russia!”
UK: “You’ve murdered political enemies with poison.”
Putin: “That is an outrageous provocation.”
The Press: “Trump [fill in the blanks, a there are not enough pixels in the world to list the lies, crimes and outrages]”
Trump: “Fake news!”
That is why, henceforth, I shall cultivate my audience not by speaking truth to power, but by speaking lies to gullible imbeciles. The process begins with a few biographical items. You already know that I’m in my fifth decade of journalism, but did you realize that I have 11 Pulitzer Prizes, including one for coverage of the French and Indian War and another for revealing to the world that Snap, Crackle and Pop were not actual breakfast morsels but so called “crispy actors,” hired by anti-oat globalists. The headline of the award winning article was “The Government is Coming for Your Cheerios.” True story. In my spare time, I am the Sultan of Brunei. Also, I play to a 2 handicap from the championship tees.
So let me hit you with some eye openers:
We are all captives of socialism. It is well known that Social Security, Medicare, public education, libraries, welfare, police and fire and the entire physical infrastructure of the country — including roads, sewers and water — are paid for by “government” for the supposed general welfare of the people. As if. These entitlements are obviously the work of international Communism, the Marxist project that ironically died in the Soviet bloc but thrives here in the supposed land of Individual Responsibility. Obviously, all of these functions would be better organized by the free market. Don’t be misled by fiascos such as for-profit prisons. Think about the ingenuity and profit motive that has given us the Trump Organization, Enron, Purdue Pharmaceuticals, Drexel Burnham Lambert, Theranos, Lehman Bros., Facebook and FTX. Imagine if we could tap that resourcefulness to tackle not just the above-named functions, but also food safety and the Federal Reserve.
That’s right. Flush out the Commies to herald in the days of market-driven efficiency. Look at healthcare! Look at the energy sector! Look at Wall Street! Look at Twitter! (Free speech reigns!)
Regulation kills jobs! It is difficult enough to run a business without the heavy hand of government arbitrarily discriminating against youthful citizens, such as 9-year-olds, by prohibiting them from the work force. Likewise nanny-state protections against toxic chemicals so useful in manufacturing and ground-water contamination. Or workplace “safety,” living wages or any of the other Marxist tricks for making us struggle to compete with enlightened nations, such as Russia, Syria, the Philippines and Greater Krypton.
The Elites? Lock ’em Up! Not just Snap, Crackle and Pop, but all the so-called experts and “educated” specialists, educated mainly to hate America and look down at the unwashed masses of Patriots. We do not need them to teach our kids, design our bridges, operate our nuclear reactors or treat our diseases. Just as parents should determine school curriculum and reading lists, so should the neighboring community — based on their own research — decide how to treat neuroendocrine tumors of the pancreas.
Preserve Our Values/Own the Libs! From the Miranda Warning to abortion to kicking prayer out of schools, the Radical Left has, brick by brick, dismantled our traditional values and cherished way of life. I hereby vow to turn that problem around. On my first day in office, I will sign an executive order to restore one of the great relics of our history.
One word: slavery!
Vote For Me! Yes, I said “my first day in office.” I am honored and privileged, my fellow Americans, to announce my candidacy for the 2024 Republican nomination for President of the United States. Nominate me, and together we shall — as I like to say — Make America Marginally Better in Certain Respects Again. My sacred vows to you:
No more overseas Apology Tours. When I am president, all national messages will be delivered only via cruise missile.
Privatize the military. End waste, fraud and corruption by putting our brave men (adios, señoritas and sexual deviants!) in the care of private enterprise, such as Chick-fil-A or Hobby Lobby.
Daddy Warbucks on the $100 bill. We shall restore capitalism to its rightful place in our society. Also date rape and prison labor.
Youthful, supple, radiant skin for all!
How can you support my historic quest? Easy! To hop aboard the Bobwagon, there is no need to send “donations.” Merely subscribe to BullyPulpit.Substack.com, and we will charge your credit card $50/year to join the journey of a lifetime. Meanwhile, because there is technically no campaign war chest, the FEC will keep its prying deep-state eyes to itself.
Not only will you be an official member of The Bobosphere, we’ll throw in a weekly column and also an installment of my satirical novel, Pluto Walks the Earth. But that’s all just smoke and mirrors and a slight bit of money laundering. The real goal is to follow a leader who shares your values, no matter how mean and stupid he may be. That man, that leader, that cynical visionary is me, and me alone.
Til now, I have been like a drowsy pet, marking time as the world collapses around me. But no longer. I am now taking charge. As the poet said, “Let sleeping dogs lie!”