Goodbye to All That

Au revoir mes compatriotes (pardon my French).

You will be missed.

As mentioned previously, in less than two weeks I shall travel to eastern Europe in the latest multiple-month stage of my intermittent expatriation. The destination, for the third time in 18 months, is the Republic of Serbia — a struggling former-Communist autocracy bedeviled with nationalist politics, corruption, paranoia and its very, very, very bad legacy from the Balkan Wars of the 1990s. To the undiscerning eye, shit-show-wise, it might seem as if I’m jumping out of the frying pan and into another frying pan.

I don’t see it that way. First of all, Serbia is most hospitable, generous, entertaining and convenient to Romania. The Serbs might not quite have an honest system of governance, but they definitely have (pardon my French) joie de vivre out the wazoo. They have almost as many outdoor cafes as we have Applebees or school shootings. Yes, Serbia may sometimes disappoint me, but it has never betrayed me — because it has never promised me anything only to spectacularly renege — unlike a certain alleged Shining City on the Hill I could mention. You know, the one about to be ruled by a sociopathic and delusional liar, bully, crybaby, racist, criminal piece of merde (pardon my French) and a Congress filled with hateful, cowardly, fascistic, Bible-thumping imbeciles. Voted in by a plurality of my patriotic countrymen, I might add.

I won’t mention any names, lest I veer into ad hominem. (I’ve lately been accused of overdoing the negativity, so I shall remain discreet and respectful.) But you-know-who will be inaugurated on Jan. 20, while I am in Belgrade with friends and family, enjoying excessive volumes of plum brandy and rostilji, which is an assortment of grilled meat that makes me suspect, against all evidence, that there might be a God. Who in all His omniscience also thinks Sen. Tommy Tuberville is an imbecile. And that Hegseth, Kennedy, Gabbard, Biondi, Guilfoyle, Patel, McMahon, Lake and Musk are Dr. Caligari’s Cabinet. [Personally identifying information redacted.]

Anyway, I’ll soon be off, so I want to say a reluctant goodbye to five cherished hallmarks of the American Way of life.

1. Costco

When America and I were young, there was no cavernous place the size of the National Air & Space Museum to do one-stop shopping for basmati rice, a 6-person Scandinavian sauna, diamond engagement ring, saxophone, sniper’s grass-camouflage Ghillie suit, paper towels, a 72-lb wheel of Parmesan and a popularly priced coffin. But our country was built on its founding promise of “the pursuit of happiness and insane deals!” I don’t even think of Costco as a store. It’s more like a megachurch, preaching not the prosperity gospel but the Theology of Bulk.

I even drive a Kirkland. Good car. Very affordable. I did have to buy a four-pack, which is where the big savings come in. The only bummer is there’s no room in the garage because it’s filled with a half-ton of basmati rice and 144 rolls of paper towels. By the way, for my MAGA friends, the vehicles have gas engines! I was so fed up with my environmentally conscious car, which I’d read about on Goop. It was made of lentils and macramé. The bodies of my Kirklands are 100% microplastics. And the day I bought them, I got a large, piping hot pepperoni pizza and supersized Pepsi for $9.99.

2. Customer service

“Your call is important to us. Para espanol, marque dos. If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Otherwise, please listen to the entire 1433-word announcement, as our menu options have changed. If you know your party’s extension, using your phone keypad dial the number now. Honestly, if you know your party’s extension, you should have done that to begin with, idiot. If you’d like to hear our employee directory and dial by first name, squint extremely hard to focus on the tiny little letters corresponding with keypad numbers … Sorry, I didn’t get that. Press 1 if you’d like to return to the main menu … OK, main menu. Your call is important to us. Latviešu valodai nospiediet 2 … If you want to reach a representative, say ‘representative’ … If you want to reach a representative, say ‘representative’ … If you want to reach a representative, shout ‘REPRESENTATIVE’ … If you want to reach a representative, hold the phone tight to your mouth and scream, at the top of your lungs, ‘REPRESENTATIVE!!. FUCKING REPRESENTATIVE!!!! AGENT. TEAM MEMBER. WHATEVER. GIMME A FUCKING LIVE HUMAN BEING!!!!!’ … Sorry, I didn’t get that. Press 1 if you’d like to return to the main menu … தமிழுக்கு 2ஐ அழுத்தவும் … OK, main menu. If in the intervening time this has become a life-threatening emergency, hang up and dial 911 … This is 911. What is your emergency? … Sorry, I didn’t get that … Your call is important to us … Goodbye!”

3. Free press

It’s not just the robust coverage of everything under the sun, except for the climate’s destruction of everything under the sun, and also everything under the sun that isn’t sports, celebrities or national politics. It’s also the intellectual rigor and sense of civic duty that undergirds the coverage. Just sample some of the headlines on my newsfeed.

[DISCLOSURE: My browser is set for “incognito mode,” so I can’t be tracked by ruthless dictators like Putin, Xi and Zuckerberg, so these are from memory. I promise you, though, they are very close to the originals.]

1920s matinee idol Lillian Gish exhumed, “Looks unrecognizable”

Yankees stars Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton sent to Phillies for two hoagies and a cheesesteak in blockbuster trade proposal floated by BroVincent of IncelFans.com

10 dieticians share their dishes to bring to potlucks and parties

Jeopardy! fans insist contestant looks ‘almost identical’ to music legend as returning champ narrowly wins 4th game

[DISCLOSURE: Those last two are actually verbatim.] They say Democracy Dies in Darkness. Thank (possibly) God we have a Fourth Estate to bravely shine the light.

4. Hollywood

In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, superhero Hit Man and his saintly, reformed sidekick Morganfree Man come out of Marvel retirement for one last job and run into an unexpected obstacle when cost cutting Warner Brothers CEO David Zazlav refuses to stream it on Max.

5. Vintage!

It’s not just online retailers like Retrolicious and RetroStage. Vogue reports that “Vintage has become commonplace on both the red carpet and the pavement, with the likes of Zendaya, Kim Kardashian and Rihanna among the A-listers leading the charge.”

“My hope is that vintage is here to stay,” Alexis Novak, founder of Tab Vintage tells Vogue. “The red carpet is a catwalk for celebrities to show off their collections and taste, [and] they have a perfect opportunity to make a statement of their personal consciousness about the impact fashion has on the environment.”

That’s a bold statement from the Steve Bannon of women’s fashion. But even in our hyper-polarized world, GQ agrees!

“The wonderful thing about the secondhand market is, whether it’s cottage-core or Barbie-core or mermaid-core, millions of those items already exist,” says Depop chief marketing officer Peter Semple. Unlike traditional brands or retail stores, he says, “we don’t have to spot a trend and then manufacture to adhere to it. We just need to point people at the inventory that already exists.” That way of thinking is inherent to the emerging generation of consumers: “I have kids that come in here that embody all the ‘-cores,’ ” says 28-year-old Emma Rogue, owner of Lower East Side shop Rogue, which specializes in the grungy Y2K aesthetic she calls nostalgia-core.”

OMG, he left one out: Pathogen-core! Thanks to our new leadership, all those Golden Oldies — Polio, Covid, Measles, Mumps and Rubella, Flu, Tooth Decay — will soon be roaring back. Smallpox? We can dream, can’t we?

Kаква јебена ноћна мора! (pardon my Serbian).